Posts Tagged ‘fighting’

Disappointment

At the beginning of every relationship, there is a high level of hope and desire that causes it to run on autopilot.  But over time hope and desire begin to erode when disappointment enters.

There are dozens of ways we can disappoint one another in a relationship as close and intimate as marriage.  From I thought it would be different to actual differences in upbringing, values, habits about money, personality, motivation, work ethic, and sex drives, we have the makings of marriage wars.  Sometimes people come across offensively because they are reacting to pain from the hurts that they have experienced in the past, and they are just trying to protect themselves from being injured again.  Wounded animals do not act predictably when you approach them; neither do emotionally wounded humans.

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Same Argument, Different Day

I am convinced one of the greatest problems that couples face in marriage, whether you have been together two years, 20 years or 40 years, is the fact that we have to deal with issues over and over and over… People get so frustrated when they keep circling around and coming back to the same arguments continuously and they never get resolved. Husbands and wives become convinced that there is something wrong with their marriage (or at least the other person!) and it can lead to great discouragement.

The truth is you may have to deal with some of these issues until the day one of you dies. Many couples think that once they’ve hashed something out, it will never come back and cause trouble again. But it’s not the reality of it. I’ve seen interviews with couples married a long time—like 65 or 75 years!—and when they are asked about how and when they resolved their differences, the answer is: they haven’t! They wrestled over the same things all these years later.
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Anger Won’t Get You to the Truth

In the last post I was talking about handling arguments and the benefit and wisdom of backing off and taking a time out during a super heated battle. When a couple is seriously locked in a battle and the adrenaline is surging, odds are they are not going to solve the problem and usually one or both will say mean and hurtful things that they will come to regret later. And as I said, these words can be very damaging.

My experience has been that many women will take one phrase that their husbands have said in the heat of the battle and rehearse it, hold on to it, and become convinced that “it’s how he really feels deep down inside or else he wouldn’t have said it.” I’ve had women over and over say to me, “He said such and such…” and she is so hurt and upset over it that in some cases it actually leads to divorce.
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It’s Okay to Go to Bed Angry

Recently I came across an article in a woman’s magazine that listed “new rules” for marriage and it debunked what are common “myths” of marital relationships. One of the myths was: Never go to bed angry. If you don’t hash through every conflict right away, it’ll lead to resentment and blowups. For years most of us have heard the saying, “Never go to bed angry”. It actually comes from the scripture in Ephesians 4 where Paul writes: …do not let the sun go down while you are still angry… (NIV). Often people will interpret that to mean they can not go to bed until they have settled every last detail of the argument. Couples will stay up till the wee hours of the morning hammering at the issues—and each other—trying to get to a resolution. I’m sure the verse does not literally mean don’t go to sleep until you’ve completely solved the problem in a way that is totally acceptable to both of you. What it does mean is that you need to let go of the anger, even if the problem is not solved.
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