Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

Feel Like Having Sex?

I just received yet another email from someone telling me the woes of living with a less-than-satisfying sex life. This time it was a woman explaining that her husband doesn’t want to have sex with her very often. She initiates. He turns her down.

This scenario is played out countless times everyday in marriages. It’s one of the great stand-offs in married life. Typically, one spouse wants to have sex more than the other.  Sometimes, the husbands write to me that the woman isn’t so interested. After all, that is the stereotype. Men who want to have sex all the time and it’s the women who turn them down. (Truth be told, in my ministry, I hear much more from women who say that it’s the guys who aren’t interested—and the pervasiveness of pornography is a big reason for this.)

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Disappointment

At the beginning of every relationship, there is a high level of hope and desire that causes it to run on autopilot.  But over time hope and desire begin to erode when disappointment enters.

There are dozens of ways we can disappoint one another in a relationship as close and intimate as marriage.  From I thought it would be different to actual differences in upbringing, values, habits about money, personality, motivation, work ethic, and sex drives, we have the makings of marriage wars.  Sometimes people come across offensively because they are reacting to pain from the hurts that they have experienced in the past, and they are just trying to protect themselves from being injured again.  Wounded animals do not act predictably when you approach them; neither do emotionally wounded humans.

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Marriage is a Marathon

Sprints and marathons are two distinctly different races.  In a sprint, one of the most critical elements is the start.  Runners practice for hours on end getting into those little blocks and bursting out the very nanosecond the gun goes off.  Why?  Because if you falter in the start, you don’t stand a chance of winning the race.

On the other hand, the starts of marathons are not that important at all.  Most runners are just standing around waiting for the gun to go off.  Truth is, you could fall down, have three guys run over you, get up, and still win the race.  It’s not the start that is so important; it is the endurance.

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Don’t Go Sexless—Part Two

In my last post, I began explaining a simple solution to head off the problem of sexless marriage.  I pointed out how couples, generally, get to sexless when one person unilaterally decides to say, “no” to the sexual advances of the other—and sometimes for legitimate reasons. But I went on to reason that simply saying, “no” isn’t the answer and that it will actually work against getting the improvements you want in the relationship.  You need to answer a request for sex from your spouse with some version of “yes”. If you haven’t read Part One, (add link) do so before you continue on.

Let’s go back to the previous examples I gave in Part One—lack of hygiene and when the sex is “one sided”—to address how to use my “some version of yes” solution. If your hubby can’t seem to find the shower or toothbrush prior to jumping into bed for a session of lovemaking, don’t roll over in a huff and bark, “No! Get away!” at him, or pretend you are already sleeping. Simply smile and say, “Yes, dear! I’ll rock your world, just as soon as you shower and brush your teeth. Come see me when you’re squeaky clean, and I’ll put a big ol’ grin on your face.” See, the solution? Do you see how it will end in an entirely different way? For the wife to just say, “no” and roll over leaves the poor guy shot down in flames and leads to ill feelings and a strained relationship for both of you.

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Don’t Go Sexless—Part One

The big trend today is to go “-less”. The grocery stores want us to go “bag-less” and bring our own totes. Companies ask us to go “paperless” and pay our bills online. Of course most of us have gone “wireless” long ago, but there is one area of married life people shouldn’t go “-less” in…and that’s sex. Yet, according to surveys, an estimated 20 million couples have done exactly that.

Sexless marriage is defined as having sex less than ten times a year. Some couples say it’s a lack of time. If that’s you, read my post on Scheduling Sex. Others say they lack desire. For those of you stuck on that one, read the posts The Desire Myth and Sometimes Sex is Just Sex. Sex is very important in a marriage and I’ve written additional articles on the subject that you should check out in the archives of my Marriage Insights Blog.

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