Posts Tagged ‘solving problems’

Marriage is a Marathon

Sprints and marathons are two distinctly different races.  In a sprint, one of the most critical elements is the start.  Runners practice for hours on end getting into those little blocks and bursting out the very nanosecond the gun goes off.  Why?  Because if you falter in the start, you don’t stand a chance of winning the race.

On the other hand, the starts of marathons are not that important at all.  Most runners are just standing around waiting for the gun to go off.  Truth is, you could fall down, have three guys run over you, get up, and still win the race.  It’s not the start that is so important; it is the endurance.


How Do I Fix It?

–“Pastor, I had an affair and am trying to restore my marriage but even after three years, things still are still really difficult. What can we do to make things right again?”

–“ I was so busy with raising children and I didn’t have much time for sex but now that we’re empty nesters my husband isn’t really interested in pursuing our sex life. How do we get back to the way it used to be?”

–“My wife was sexually active with other guys before we married and it has really impacted our life now. What can we do to overcome her past?”

–“I divorced and remarried a man who was also previously married and we are having issues dealing with the blending of our two families. How can we make this work and just be a normal family?”


Same Argument, Different Day

I am convinced one of the greatest problems that couples face in marriage, whether you have been together two years, 20 years or 40 years, is the fact that we have to deal with issues over and over and over… People get so frustrated when they keep circling around and coming back to the same arguments continuously and they never get resolved. Husbands and wives become convinced that there is something wrong with their marriage (or at least the other person!) and it can lead to great discouragement.

The truth is you may have to deal with some of these issues until the day one of you dies. Many couples think that once they’ve hashed something out, it will never come back and cause trouble again. But it’s not the reality of it. I’ve seen interviews with couples married a long time—like 65 or 75 years!—and when they are asked about how and when they resolved their differences, the answer is: they haven’t! They wrestled over the same things all these years later.

Anger Won’t Get You to the Truth

In the last post I was talking about handling arguments and the benefit and wisdom of backing off and taking a time out during a super heated battle. When a couple is seriously locked in a battle and the adrenaline is surging, odds are they are not going to solve the problem and usually one or both will say mean and hurtful things that they will come to regret later. And as I said, these words can be very damaging.

My experience has been that many women will take one phrase that their husbands have said in the heat of the battle and rehearse it, hold on to it, and become convinced that “it’s how he really feels deep down inside or else he wouldn’t have said it.” I’ve had women over and over say to me, “He said such and such…” and she is so hurt and upset over it that in some cases it actually leads to divorce.

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